Kingdom Hearts: A Behind the Scenes Look Disney Begged Not to Have
by Mindfreak101
Summary: After returning home from slaying heartless like a boss, Sora's girlfriend Kairi happened upon a DVD Disney tried to erase from existence.
1. Chapter 1

Hello! This story has been rated M for some language. 10 Year olds will still read this regardless of rating because the site has no way of stopping the little ankle biters. I'm sure you've no idea who I am, but I am an aspiring writer who fails horribly at all attempts he makes. I wish this could've been longer, but the game really has more potential for alternate universe (lol) storytelling than anything else. I will work hard on the second chapter (also the last chapter) and have it up as soon as possible, if you all happen to like this one of course. On with the story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts.

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After a hard day of slaying heartless, Sora, Donald, and Goofy went to Destiny Islands to rest. "Wanna chill out over at my house?" asked Sora. Donald and Goofy nodded and went to Sora's place. When they arrived, however, they found lots of other people there. "What is everyone doing there? It's not my birthday you know." said Sora. "I'll take gifts though." he mumbled after.

"We know." deadpanned Kairi. "I was cleaning up the house and I found this." She held out a small DVD box, in which was labeled _**Kingdom Hearts: Behind the Scenes.**_ Sora looked at the box.

"Back stage shit?" he said puzzled.

"Yeah." said Riku. "It looked good, so me and Kairi invited everyone over to watch it." Sora jumped on the couch and put his arm around Kairi.

"This isn't going to turn out like the last DVD we found that ended up being mislabeled and turned out to be my- I mean some random guy's American Idol audition tape is it?" he asked.

"No, we checked this time. Though seeing you sing the Spice Girls was pretty fucking hilarious." laughed Riku while Sora tried to contain his rising blush. Key word tried.

"Anyway, what the hell are we waiting for? Roll that thing Riku." Sora said. Riku nodded and popped in the DVD.

_**Kingdom Hearts: Behind the Scenes**_

_(Scene where Riku is being absorbed by the darkness.)_

Riku: But I'm not scared. I'm not afraid of the darkness. (Darkness begins to swallow him.) WHAT IN THE! HEEEEEELP! (Now crying.) SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEEE! GET ME OUT OF THIS HELL HOLE!

Director: Cut. Ok someone get him out of there.

The director then starts to smell something funny.

Director: And can someone from wardrobe get him a fresh pair of pants?

_**End.**_

Everyone cracks up laughing. Riku didn't find it funny at all. "Hey you would cry too if you got swallowed by a black hole."

"Wuss!" Leon shouted from the back of the room.

_(Scene where Donald and Goofy are walking to the Gummi Ship)_

Goofy: Oh I got ya. While we're in other worlds we can't let on where we're from. We gotta protect the world order.

Donald: Border. Huh… Wait a sec.

Director: Cut! Take 2.

Goofy: We gotta protect the world odor.

Donald: (Sighs.) It's border Goofy, boarder!

Director: Cut! Take 3.

Goofy: We gotta protect that thing I'm supposed to say. (Donald trips and falls down the stairs.)

Director: CUT!

_**End.**_

Everyone is laughing while Donald puts his hand on his forehead.

_(Scene where Sora is in the secret place at the beginning of the game.)_

Hooded Figure: This world has been connected, tied to the darkness. Soon to be completely eclipsed. (Meanwhile Sora is looking around in the darkness for the cloaked man.)

Sora: Hello? Anyone there? Hello?

Director: He's behind you Sora.

Sora: Well I can't see him, it's fucking dark in here.

Director: Cut, ok let's try it again.

_Take 2_

Hooded Figure: This world has been connected, tied to the darkness.

Sora: Who's there? Where are you?

Then Sora feels a hand on his shoulder and panics and runs into the wall.

Director: Cut! ANSEM!

Ansem: Ok, ok, sorry. Let's do that again.

_Take 3_

Hooded Figure: This world has been connected, tied to the darkness.

Sora: Who is that? Who's there?

Just then Sora felt his pants get pulled down. Riku had just pants'd him.

Sora: RIKU! I'M GONNA KILL YOU FOR THAT!

Sora turns around and tackles Riku and starts wrestling with him. Riku was laughing all the while.

_**End.**_

Sora looks at Riku who is trying to suppress his laughter. "Ok Riku. I can take a joke." Said Sora calmly.

"Good." said Riku. "Because it isn't over just yet."

_(Scene where Sora, Donald, and Goofy meet Riku in Traverse Town.)_

Riku: So, this is the keyblade?

Sora: Hey! Give that back!

Riku: Here, take it.

Riku magically threw the keyblade back to Sora, but it appears behind him and hits him the back of the head, and knocks him out.

Director: RIKU!

Riku: What? You act like it was my fault.

_**End.**_

"You bastard." Sora mumbled under his breath.

_(Scene where Sora, Kairi, and Riku are running down the beach.)_

Sora, Kairi, and Riku are running down the beach, when suddenly, Riku puts his foot out and trips Sora making him eat a mouth full of sand.

Director: RIKU!

Riku: (Defensively.) He tripped himself.

Sora: I did not! You tripped me!

Riku: Come on! With feet that big how could you not trip?

_**End.**_

Back in the house everyone is in stitches. Sora is red with anger, but Kairi feels sorry for him.

"Don't worry Sora. I'm sure you're not the only one they make fun of." she said. Just then, Riku cut in; "You're right Kairi. You're in here too."

_(Scene where Sora is looking at the drawings in the hidden place.)_

Sora is looking at the pictures of him and Kairi in the hidden place. Sora has the flashback, but when it comes back to the present, he has drawn a mustache on Kairi's picture.

Director: SORA! Hey that's pretty good.

Sora: Thanks. I should be an artist.

_**End.**_

_(Scene where Sora is a heartless and Kairi is hugging him.)_

Sora, as a heartless, runs to Kairi, and she reaches out and hugs him. Sora transforms back into a human, but suddenly farts.

Kairi: SORA! Come on! That was disgusting!

Sora: Oh give me a break. Heartless can't fart and I've been holding that in since lunch.

_**End.**_

_(Scene where Kairi and Sora are near Kingdom Hearts, at the end of the game.)_

Sora: Kairi!

Kairi: Sora!

They run towards each other, then the ground shakes. Instead of catching her however, Sora misses and Kairi falls into the endless abyss. Just then, Pain and Panic appear at Sora's side.

Panic: She isn't gonna be happy when she gets out of there.

Pain: If she gets out.

Sora: If. If is good.

_**End.**_

Back at the house, Kairi glares at Sora. No one speaks, afraid they might set her off. "We are going to have a talk about this later." said Kairi very strictly. Sora frowns. "I'm sorry Kairi. I've been a bad boyfriend." he said, and Kairi looks back at him. "Don't even try it." she said, and Sora muttered 'Damn' under his breath. "You two are so cute when you fight." said Riku, but Kairi smiled evilly. "Now come on Riku. Did you really think that you were really left out of the fun?"

_(Scene where Riku and Sora are on the bridge at Destiny Islands.)_

Riku: Sora! Here, catch.

Riku tosses the Paopu to Sora.

Riku: If two people eat it their destinies become intertwined. I know you want to try it, don't you?

Sora: (Excitedly.) YEAH I DO! (Swipes fruit from Riku.) Kairi! Come here and try this.

Riku chases after Sora.

Riku: Hey! Come back here! I wanted to try that with her!

Director: Cut!

_Take 2_

Riku: Here catch! (Tosses the fruit to Sora.)

Sora: What the…? (Sora hit's the fruit back to Riku and it hits Riku in the head.)

Director: SORA!

Sora: What? The thing could've killed me!

_Take 3_

Here catch! (Tosses the fruit to Sora.)

Sora catches the fruit, then smiles evilly.

Sora: Here Riku!

(Riku turns around, and Sora tosses the fruit back to Riku, and it hits him in the nuts. Riku makes a face of extreme pain, then falls off of the bridge into the sand.)

Director: SORA!

Sora: I didn't do anything.

_**End.**_

_(Scene with Maleficent and Riku in Traverse Town.)_

Maleficent: See? He traded you in. Tossed you aside and simply replaced you.

Riku frowns, but then feels a hand on his ass.

Riku: What the hell?

He turns around to face Maleficent. She then winks at Riku.

Riku: Oh dear God!

Riku begins throwing up.

Director: MALEFICENT!

Maleficent: Well I can't help that he's cute. What do you expect?

_**End.**_

Back at the house everyone was on the floor with laughter. Riku has sunk completely into his chair, his face red with embarrassment.

"Don't worry Riku. I'm sure someone had it worse than you." laughed Sora. Steam came out of Riku's ears.

_(Scene with Cloud and Sora at the end of Olympus Coliseum.)_

Cloud: Here. Take this and never lose sight of what you're looking for.

Cloud puts something in Sora's hand. It's a girl's thong. Cloud grabs it back from Sora and quickly pockets it.

Cloud: Sorry. That's mine.

Cloud blushes.

Sora: (Sweat drop.)

_**End.**_

Aerith glares at Cloud. Cloud has his head down in embarrassment.

"You aren't getting off so easy." said Aerith threateningly. You couldn't see through the scarf, but Cloud was scared shitless.

_(Scene where Sora is in the hotel room with Leon and Yuffie.)_

Kairi: Hey! Wake up you lazy bum.

Sora: Huh? Kairi?

Sora sits up dazed. He looks around the room to see Yuffie and Leon making out in a chair in the corner of the room.

Sora: (Sweat drop.) I'm just gonna go back to sleep now.

_**End.**_

_(Scene where Sora, Donald, and Goofy are about to fight Leon and Yuffie in the coliseum.)_

Sora, Donald, and Goofy are ready for battle. The caption, floating in front of their faces, blocking everything from view, says: _**Final Battle: Leon and Yuffie.**_ They get ready, and the caption is removed, and there stand Leon and Yuffie. However, they are standing there and making out.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: (Sweat drop.)

Sora: Do we start now? Or wait for them to finish?

Goofy: How long should we wait?

Donald: Could be awhile.

Sora: I'm gonna go to the snack bar then.

Donald: Bring me some nachos please!

_**End.**_

Back in the house, the DVD screen says _**Intermission.**_ Donald turns the lights on and Leon and Yuffie are in the back making out. Suddenly Leon breaks off.

"Hey! What happened? Turn the lights back off." he said angrily.

"Sorry you two lovebirds. But we have to stop here. The movie is at an intermission." said Riku. Sora spoke up.

"Well what are we supposed to do until it starts up again?' Just then, Kairi grabbed his ear.

"You and me are going to have that talk remember?" she said. She pulled him towards another room and saw Cloud going the opposite way with Aerith.

"I hope this is a short intermission." gulped Sora.

_**To be continued…**_

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And there is the first chapter. Hope you liked it. *Goes back to miserable attempts at writing something else*


	2. Chapter 2

Hello again! Sorry it took so long, but formatting is a bitch. I also have a job and stuff that keeps me away from the only computer in my house. Good thing I'm the only one who knows how to use it. Hooray for technologically impaired adults!

HP is health points and MP is magic points for those that don't know.

I already said I don't own KH so I won't bother with it again.

* * *

Back in the house, Sora and Kairi were coming out of the room, where Sora was white faced from his horrifying talk with his girlfriend. Riku couldn't help but laugh at the look on his friend's face.

"So, what did she say?" he asked. Sora leaned over and whispered in his friend's ear. After he was done, Riku flinched. "hat bad huh?" Sora nodded, and Riku patted his shoulder. Then Cloud came from another room. He was just as white as Sora, but they sat down with their girlfriends next to them. Riku hit the lights and the intermission ended.

_(Scene where all of the villains are planning to kidnap the princesses.)_

Jafar: Well, what do you think?

Just then, Oogie puts down his hand of cards.

Oogie: I think two pair is good.

Ursula: Three of a kind.

Jafar: Full house for me.

Hades: Four of a kind.

Hades reaches for the pot, but Maleficent lays down her hand.

Maleficent: I think a royal flush will beat that.

Hades bursts into flames and burns down the card table.

Hades: WHAT!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? THAT'S THREE FUCKING HANDS IN A ROW! (Turns blue again and calms down.) I need some coffee.

Jafar: (Leaning on his staff drinking a latte.) What a bitch.

_**End.**_

_(Scene where Sora is fighting Sephiroth in the coliseum.)_

Sora and Sephiroth are going at it. Sora has Sephiroth down to his green health bar, (Green is the normal color for health in the game, but as enemies with more health come out, their HP bar changes color instead of gaining more bars. For those who don't know.) when all of a sudden Sephiroth says, "Sin Harvest."

Sora's HP goes down to one, and his MP to zero.

Sora: Cut, cut, cut. Hold it. Wait just a second.

Director: Cut. What's wrong Sora?

Sora: Do you have to ask? I spend all of my time dodging, ducking, dipping, diving, and dodging this guy. The flame pillars, the energy balls, the meteors, and that damn seven foot katana, and all I have is this stupid key. But now, you're telling me he can raise his hand, and kill me with just two fucking words!? You know what? Get Donald or Goofy to do this. I QUIT! (He then throws down his keyblade.) I need a damn coffee. (Walks off stage.)

Meanwhile, Sephiroth is leaning on his katana drinking coffee.

Sephiroth: What a bitch.

**_End._**

Back in the house everyone is laughing at Sora, but then he yells out, "None of you wuss' ever fought him. You have no idea how hard it is." Just then, Cloud, Yuffie, and Cid cough loudly to make themselves heard. Sora sinks back into his seat with embarrasment.

_(Scene in Atlantica where Sora, Donald, and Goofy are fighting Ursula.)_

Sora is bashing Ursula's head in with the keyblade. Just then Ursula sucked up Sora. Goofy bashed her in the back of the head with his shell and suddenly Ursula swallowed Sora.

Sora: (Yelling at the top of his lungs.) HEY! GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE! IT'S DARK, AND I HATE THE DARK WITH A FIREY LIGHT FILLED PASSION!

Director: Cut. Can someone get him out of there?

_**End.**_

_(Scene with Sora and Riku fighting in Hollow Bastion.)_

Sora and Riku are clashing keyblades, when suddenly Riku swings and cuts off Sora's arm. Sora looks at his arm, trying to find the words to express the amount of pain he was in, despite going immediately into shock.

Director: Cut. You ok Sora?

Sora: Do I look ok here? I'm losing blood by the gallon here! He cut my arm off! HE CUT MY FUCKING ARM OFF! I need some coffee. (Walks off stage to get some coffee.)

Riku: What a bitch.

_**End.**_

_(Scene in the coliseum where Sora, Donald, and Goofy are fighting Cerberus.)_

They charge at the three headed abomination of nature. Cerberus opens its mouth to and Sora quickly covers his head to defend himself, but nothing happens. Sora opens his eyes to see Cerberus sitting down, his eyes on Sora's keyblade. Sora moves the keyblade back and forth, Cerberus not taking his eyes from the sword.

Sora: Hey guys, watch this. Here doggy. See the sword? Go catch it!

Sora throws the sword, and Cerberus catches it and brings it back to Sora. The whole team laughs, and Hades is pissed off as he watches the pathetic display.

Hades: (Sighs.) I need some coffee.

_**End.**_

Back at the house Leon looks puzzled. "Hey Sora, I have a question. How come after every scene someone needs coffee?" he asks. Everyone turns around to look at him. They're all holding cups of coffee. "Why do you ask Leon?" Sora asked back before taking a sip of hi macchiato. Leon takes a sip of his mocha chino before saying, "Ah, it was just a question."

_(Scene where Donald and Goofy are about to blast off in the Gummi Ship at the beginning of the game.)_

Donald: (Gives Daisy a thumbs up.) BLAST OFF!

The arrow points down and they fall into space.

Director: Cut. Good job guys. Let's do it one more time to be sure.

They reset the set and did it again. Once again Donald gives the thumbs up, and they fell into space and blasted off.

Director: Cut. Alright guys, one more time. I can't believe we aren't going to have any problems with this scene! (Sounding giddy.)

(A/N: The poor fool.)

Donald: (Sighs, but then comes up with an idea.) Goofy, this time we aren't going down. We are gonna blast out of here.

Goofy: I don't think that's a very good idea Donald.

Donald: Ah, what do you know you big palooka.

Director: Action!

Donald: (Gives the thumbs up, but then smiles evilly.) BLAST OFF! (He yells so quickly that they blast off straight before they knew what happened. Hahahahaha! What now Huh?

Goofy: (Taps Donald on the shoulder.) Uh, Donald.

Donald: What? (Just then they saw a brick wall coming right at them.) Ah phooey!

They then proceeded to smash straight through the wall like it was play-doh instead of brick, damn cutbacks, and half the world blew to smithereens. Inside the castle, Mickey, Minnie, and the director were all looking sorely at Donald.

Donald: Haha, I've got some explaining to do don't I?

_**End.**_

_(Scene in Neverland where Riku brings up Anti-Sora.)_

Riku: Here. I have something that should keep you entertained. (Riku summons a black figure that is supposed to be Anti-Sora, however, Snoop Lion comes out of the ground.)

Snoop: Yo! Fashizzle my nizzle! It's me, it's me, The baddest brotha with the badass roar. Ya hear brotha?

Sora and Riku: (Sweat drop.)

_**End.**_

_(Scene in Agrabah where Genie is being controlled by Jafar.)_

Jafar: Now, for my second wish, Genie, crush them!

Aladdin: Genie no!

Genie: I'm really sorry about this Al!

Genie fires a shot of magic that hits Sora, then, Sora is turned into a girl.

Sora: Hey! What the…?

Suddenly, Riku slips Genie a $20. Sora starts freaking the fuck out.

Sora: RIKU! GET BACK HERE! YOU ARE SO DEAD!

_**End.**_

_(Scene at the end of Agrabah where Genie decides to go with Sora.)_

Genie: I'll stick with you, and together we'll find Jasmine.

Aladdin: Thanks Genie.

An hour later, Genie is sitting with Al reading a book. Just then, he hears his name.

Genie: Master's calling me. (He poofs to where Sora, Donald, and Goofy are sitting eating lunch.)

Sora: (Hands a jar to Genie.) Can you open this?

Genie: (Sweat drop.)

_**End.**_

In the house, everyone is in stitches with laughter. Just then, Riku spoke up, "Sorry to say guys, but we only have a few left, so here we go! I think they saved the best for last." Sora then says, "Alright! Let's get to it!"

_(Scene where Hades is giving the pass to Sora.)_

Hades: You have the eyes of a champion.

Hades hands something to Sora. He opens his hands and stares at what he was given.

Hades: You have a special someone don't you?

Sora looks down at the condom Hades gave him and smiled.

Sora: Hey Kairi! Come here for a second!

**_End._**

_(Scene in Halloween Town where they're trying to give a heartless a heart.)_

Dr. Finklestein: Let this heat give my creation life!

Everyone watches as the creation rises. They all gasp.

Michael Jackson: Hey everyone! Come play with me! (Just then his nose falls off.)

Sora and Donald are unconscious.

Goofy: Gawrsh! I think they fainted!

_**End.**_

**(Final Scene)**_ (Scene in the coliseum with Sephiroth, the second try.)_

Director: Ok Sora. Ready to give this another try?

Sora: Yeah, sorry about last time. I just freaked out a little bit, but I'll beat him this time.

Sephiroth: Just try, short stack.

Director: Ok then. Ready? Take two! Action!

Sephiroth takes out his sword and Sora readies his keyblade. Sephiroth flies towards him, but Sora rears back his foot and… WHAM! Sora's clown shoe connects with Sephiroth's nuts. The one winged angel grabs his sack and goes down.

Sora: YEAH! WHAT NOW YOU ONE WINGED FREAK!? BEAT THAT BITCH! YEAH!

Director: ( Sweat drop.) Cut! I'm pretty sure he just euthanized Sephiroth.

_**Fin.**_

Everyone in the house is in tears with laughter. The lights go on, courtesy of Donald, and everyone begins to make their way out. "Man! That was some shot to the nuts. You must have ruined his chance at children." Riku said to Sora. Sephiroth responded with, " I'm just lucky I don't have a girl to use them on."

"We have to do this again sometime." Kairi said. "Definitely!" Sora yelled.

* * *

And that's all folks! I just hope they all don't gang up on me and force me to write a sequel. Formatting this was hard enough. Axel and his saying? At the end of every damn sentence? No thanks. I'll probably get a decent amount of reviews saying to do one anyway before I get some peculiar key shaped bruises that tell me to keep writing.

Thank you for reading!

Sora: There he is! Get him! (Everyone charges at me.)

Me: Gotta go gotta go!


End file.
